Mission Improbable...

It all began with a simple phone call.

“Hello. Is this Mr. Diggler?”

“Why, yes it is. Who is this?”

“You don’t need to know who this is; you just need to step outside onto the sidewalk in front of your house in five minutes.”

“What? Who is this? What’s going on here?”

“Look, if you know what’s good for you just be out in front of your house in five minutes.”

There was something about the voice that both intrigued and frightened me at the same time. I wondered if it might be one of those C.R.G. (Cincinnati Rollers Girls) skaters trying to intimidate me, but then I realized the speaker had been using actual words instead of guttural grunts and snarls. I knew instantly this was a capability far beyond even the most developed Cincinnati skater and I calmed down a bit. Throwing caution to the wind I decided to follow the instructions I'd been given and let adventure take me wherever it would.

Well, no sooner had I stepped out to the curb when a sinister looking black van with dark tinted windows roared to a screeching stop right in front of me. Before I could think of reacting two sliding cargo doors on the side of the van opened up and at least six hands reached out, snatched me up and pulled me into the vehicle. As tires screamed in squealing agony I found myself blindfolded, gagged and bound with my hands tied behind my back.

It was difficult to keep any sense of direction as the van careened along a winding twisting path through the night but if my razor keen senses are any clue we eventually came to a stop somewhere in or close to Fairborn. Soon after I was dragged inside a building, my blindfold and restraining bonds were loosened and I found myself face to face with the Gem City Roller Girls.

Mandi Mayhem laughing in the face of pain.

“Well howdy girls!”

“Shut up, Diggler!” Mandi Mayhem snapped tersely. She glared at me for a minute and continued on. “Someone’s been putting out the word that we’re defunct as a team and our days are done. You’re going to put an end to these rumors and set the record straight.”

I looked into the angry eyes of Mandi Mayhem and the girls standing around her. They were dressed in battle gear and I could tell something was about to go down.

“How can I help?”

“Observe our practice and tell the world what you saw here this evening.”

With that the team began performing a complicated set of physical endurance routines the like of which I’ve never before witnessed. For the next two hours I observed the sweat and dedication the Gem City Roller Girls bring to the Derby League table. Let me be the first to assure you that there is no quit in this stalwart group of women. They are alive and well and any rumor as to their demise is plumb foolishness. These girls are gearing up for their best season ever in 2008 and if you want to see roller derby at it’s finest you have no further to journey than one of their upcoming bouts.

2008 will bring back familiar faces.

What the GCRG did not realize was that yours truly, “The Diggler”, anticipating the unexpected as always had made sure to arm myself with my trusty belt buckle spy camera. The images you see on this post are grainy and in some cases blurry but I did my best under the circumstances.

As practice came to an end Mandi Mayhem and several of the other girls skated up to me.

“You’ll report what you’ve witnessed here tonight?”

“Yes, Mandi, I will let the world know that you and the GCRG are alive and well and any word to the contrary is a lie. You have my word on it.”

Alright then, girls, blindfold and gag him and toss him back into the van.” Mandi turned to skate back to the fray.

“Wait a minute”, I cried out, “it’s okay, we’re at the Skyborn Skateland. I know where we are so there’s no need for all the cloak and dagger anymore.”

Mandi smiled her eyes dark and cold. “Sorry, Diggler, it’s just the way we roll.”

Hey, we still got Seoul!

Shortly thereafter I was tossed out of the still moving van where I landed in the front yard of my home. Thankfully my wife Felicia found me this morning when she let the dogs out for their morning constitutional.

I just wish she’d found me before they did their business...

Seriously folks, if you find yourself in the Oregon District listening to someone tell you all about the GCRG dirt just look them in the eye and ask why they aren’t at practice. You see, that’s where you’ll find the real truth about the GCRG as they prepare for the upcoming 2008 season.

Trust the Diggler, I’ve been there and they are coming with a vengeance.